Week 1 on GLP-1

I restarted my Victoza/Saxenda adventure this week. Gotta love being a guinea pig for the doctor.  Actually, I think I am the only one in the practice (patient or employee) on this medication.

I wanted to lose weight on my own.  But, my binges have become uncontrolled.  I hate that I am taking this shot, no matter how well it works.

A friend told me this is like taking pain meds for a headache. It isn't cheating. It is helping.

My hope is this becomes a habit. Not the shot taking but the eating part.  I keep thinking, this must be what it is like for a normal human. Not wondering about the next course of food.  Just eating a little when kind of hungry and moving on.

The first time I started the Victoza/Saxenda at 3.0mg, I was nauseated for a few days.  I did lose 14lbs. Then, it felt like it stopped working after about 2 weeks.  There were days I was barely eating 1200 calories.  I used a longer needle for the pen one time toward the end of this stint.  My sugars were staying low. It kind of scared me.

This time, I will make it through 3 weeks. 21 days for a habit to begin. This time I have had more issues keeping my blood sugar up.  I have had some low blood sugars, but nothing a little peanut butter cant fix.

I know I am partially a hypocrite for hating on gastric bypass surgery but doing this shot.  I know I have an eating disorder.  I know I have an emotional eating issue.  I am a binge eater.  When I am "up", I have control.  I need help when I am "down".  When the demons are breaking the lock on the box.

So we shall see.  I do know I like the Victoza pen better than the Saxenda pen.  But thats just preference. 

I have lost about 10lbs so far this week.  Mostly fluid (gotta love hormones).

Week 1 Chapter 1

This virtual paradise has been up for 1 week now.  I have surprised myself at how much of an improvement I have seen mentally.  That could be thanks to hormones, but part of it has to be me.  Is me.

I think I was 314lbs last week when I started this blog.  At best, I was 312lbs.  Now, I sit at 302.5lbs.  Granted, that is mostly fluid.  But it is still gone.  I don't feel as bloated and wanting to eat everything.  2.5lbs from my first goal.  Now, a holiday weekend approaches.  I will do my best to not overdo it this weekend and ruin it.  This is the first time I feel like I can really get to under 300lbs.

I have been watching My 600lb Life again.  It pisses me off that these people get this gastric bypass surgery.  To be suckered into believing it is the cure all.  It is not.  There are emotional issues that need addressed.  Chemical issues to be investigated.  And what about later, years down the road?  Years after surgery when the dumping syndrome starts?  When they are diabetic because they can't absorb right?  When their blood sugars are up, down, and all around and there is no cure except a pill that is so expensive no insurance will cover and no one can afford out of pocket?  No thank you.  I will take the binges and the anger and do it on my own.  I did this to myself, I will fix myself.

I need to keep my drive alive.  Losing weight is the only way I will be able to move on with my life.  I hear my friends comment about how fat another girl looks.  Immediately, I wonder what they really see when they see me.  Are they my friend because of the ugly duckling syndrome?  Or are females really that mean to one another and I am just seeing it?

I will stay positive this time.  I know my demons are stirring.  I can feel them.  I have noticed I keep asking people if they missed me.  I don't know why.  Probably because I am still hurt about the treatment of Pittsburgh Pratt and the way that ended.  Also, the anniversary for Colorado Cunt's first crack through my heart is coming up.  And I know I will be losing another friend soon.

Life's stresses don't help either.  Food has always been my comfort.  When no one was around, food was there.  Even now, with all this technology to make the world smaller, I sometimes feel so alone.  Other times I cannot hide in darkness or plain sight.

Anyway, my goals for the next week are:
1. Watch my diet over the holiday weekend
2. Try to get under 300
3. Work on my emotions
4. Research jobs in SC
5. Drink plenty of non-alcoholic fluids.

A Day to Take Over (May 20, 2016)

Today is the day.  I am starting over (again).  It is time to take control of my life and figure out where this ride is taking me.

I started out at 340lbs in 2013.  By September of 2014, I was down to 284lbs.  Without exercise.  Just diet and MyFitnessPal.  And a hell of a lot of determination!

Then, my world fell apart.  I gave up. I quit. I binged and binged and binged.

By May of 2015, I was back up to 328lbs.

I tried to diet again.  Down to 318lbs.  August rolled around and I finally felt a push to as someone about working out.  I was scared.  As an EMT, I watched a 500+lbs man die as he tried to change his life.  But it was too late.  I thought I was in the same predicament.  That first workout was 40 minutes walking on the treadmill.  God I HATE treadmills.  But I did it.  The next day I got to do my favourite thing ever...lift weights.  I love the power in lifting more than I think I can.  I love showing up the men at the gym.  6 days a week for I can't remember how long.  Down to 310lbs.

Life happened again. I gave up on the diet, but not the gym.  Up and down and all around on the scale.

At my lowest in 2016, I was 303.  It's as if I hit a wall between 303-305.  I am so close, yet on the other side of the moon from my first goal of 299.  It's a mental thing, I know.  I convince myself if I binge, it will come right back off.  Which, that weight does.  Then the pattern repeats.  The pattern is full Ghostrider.  I'm tired of it.  As I sit here after eating McDonald's for breakfast, Papa John's for lunch, and mints all day in between.  Probably having unhealthy for dinner as well.

I am at work.  I am exhausted.  It is Friday and I just want to sleep for a week.  Hormones do not help either.  I am waiting on the doctor I work for to see 3 more patients so I can go home.  Well, not home, but to my other home, the rescue squad.  Hopefully, by sometime tonight, I will be able to crawl into bed.  And no, I have no work to do right now.

I used to have a blog and felt  more in control of my life.  That blog existed in the craziest time of my life (so far).  I love writing.  I love getting the thoughts out.  My typing is so much better than my handwriting, and maybe by sharing my story and my journey, I will help someone.  But, for a change, I have to put myself first.

My goal is to have a place to vent.  A place to make my own, like my own apartment on the internet.  Decorate with my stuff and my thoughts.  I want to also (maybe) try to write my own stories again.  Get that Muse in love with me again.  Share cat videos.  Who know what else may happen here.

But today is the day.  This is when I start over again.