A Day to Take Over (May 20, 2016)

Today is the day.  I am starting over (again).  It is time to take control of my life and figure out where this ride is taking me.

I started out at 340lbs in 2013.  By September of 2014, I was down to 284lbs.  Without exercise.  Just diet and MyFitnessPal.  And a hell of a lot of determination!

Then, my world fell apart.  I gave up. I quit. I binged and binged and binged.

By May of 2015, I was back up to 328lbs.

I tried to diet again.  Down to 318lbs.  August rolled around and I finally felt a push to as someone about working out.  I was scared.  As an EMT, I watched a 500+lbs man die as he tried to change his life.  But it was too late.  I thought I was in the same predicament.  That first workout was 40 minutes walking on the treadmill.  God I HATE treadmills.  But I did it.  The next day I got to do my favourite thing ever...lift weights.  I love the power in lifting more than I think I can.  I love showing up the men at the gym.  6 days a week for I can't remember how long.  Down to 310lbs.

Life happened again. I gave up on the diet, but not the gym.  Up and down and all around on the scale.

At my lowest in 2016, I was 303.  It's as if I hit a wall between 303-305.  I am so close, yet on the other side of the moon from my first goal of 299.  It's a mental thing, I know.  I convince myself if I binge, it will come right back off.  Which, that weight does.  Then the pattern repeats.  The pattern is full Ghostrider.  I'm tired of it.  As I sit here after eating McDonald's for breakfast, Papa John's for lunch, and mints all day in between.  Probably having unhealthy for dinner as well.

I am at work.  I am exhausted.  It is Friday and I just want to sleep for a week.  Hormones do not help either.  I am waiting on the doctor I work for to see 3 more patients so I can go home.  Well, not home, but to my other home, the rescue squad.  Hopefully, by sometime tonight, I will be able to crawl into bed.  And no, I have no work to do right now.

I used to have a blog and felt  more in control of my life.  That blog existed in the craziest time of my life (so far).  I love writing.  I love getting the thoughts out.  My typing is so much better than my handwriting, and maybe by sharing my story and my journey, I will help someone.  But, for a change, I have to put myself first.

My goal is to have a place to vent.  A place to make my own, like my own apartment on the internet.  Decorate with my stuff and my thoughts.  I want to also (maybe) try to write my own stories again.  Get that Muse in love with me again.  Share cat videos.  Who know what else may happen here.

But today is the day.  This is when I start over again.