Week 1 Chapter 1

This virtual paradise has been up for 1 week now.  I have surprised myself at how much of an improvement I have seen mentally.  That could be thanks to hormones, but part of it has to be me.  Is me.

I think I was 314lbs last week when I started this blog.  At best, I was 312lbs.  Now, I sit at 302.5lbs.  Granted, that is mostly fluid.  But it is still gone.  I don't feel as bloated and wanting to eat everything.  2.5lbs from my first goal.  Now, a holiday weekend approaches.  I will do my best to not overdo it this weekend and ruin it.  This is the first time I feel like I can really get to under 300lbs.

I have been watching My 600lb Life again.  It pisses me off that these people get this gastric bypass surgery.  To be suckered into believing it is the cure all.  It is not.  There are emotional issues that need addressed.  Chemical issues to be investigated.  And what about later, years down the road?  Years after surgery when the dumping syndrome starts?  When they are diabetic because they can't absorb right?  When their blood sugars are up, down, and all around and there is no cure except a pill that is so expensive no insurance will cover and no one can afford out of pocket?  No thank you.  I will take the binges and the anger and do it on my own.  I did this to myself, I will fix myself.

I need to keep my drive alive.  Losing weight is the only way I will be able to move on with my life.  I hear my friends comment about how fat another girl looks.  Immediately, I wonder what they really see when they see me.  Are they my friend because of the ugly duckling syndrome?  Or are females really that mean to one another and I am just seeing it?

I will stay positive this time.  I know my demons are stirring.  I can feel them.  I have noticed I keep asking people if they missed me.  I don't know why.  Probably because I am still hurt about the treatment of Pittsburgh Pratt and the way that ended.  Also, the anniversary for Colorado Cunt's first crack through my heart is coming up.  And I know I will be losing another friend soon.

Life's stresses don't help either.  Food has always been my comfort.  When no one was around, food was there.  Even now, with all this technology to make the world smaller, I sometimes feel so alone.  Other times I cannot hide in darkness or plain sight.

Anyway, my goals for the next week are:
1. Watch my diet over the holiday weekend
2. Try to get under 300
3. Work on my emotions
4. Research jobs in SC
5. Drink plenty of non-alcoholic fluids.