Week 9: weekn1 off glp-1

A week off of Victoza again. Did pretty good. Down to 296.5. But got a slight ear infection and went hormonal so I have been starving.

Week was stressful. Usual drama at work. I am burned out and exhausted. Family drama. Blah blah blah. Honestly, I have blocked out most of the week already.

I did have a couple people tell me I look really good. I look like I am losing weight. Not sure if it is the diet or the workout program.  Or both.

The current workout program is to be done 6 days a week starting next week. I am not doing that. I used to do Saturday too. But it exhausted me. Not doing anymore.

Ended the day on a binge.  I could not get enough to eat yesterday. I know it is hormones. It isnt me. So it is ok.  I gave myself a glp-1 shot today to prevent a further binge.

I also measured myself after 1 month of the transformation workout. 1/2" gone from my belly, upper arms, and thighs!  This is working!

Week 8: a week of nausea

Monday, I gave up and went back on the GLP-1 because I was stuck at 301.5. I didnt feel like my appetite was an issue, just tired of being plateaued for a month.

I am down 3lbs to 298.5 as of Friday.  Friday, I did splurge and try the monster cookie blizzard at DQ. It really isnt any good.  Saturday, I forgot my shot but did really well anyway. I was on the 2.4mg and wow did I feel nauseated!  About an hour after the shot I felt horrible for another hour.

Change of plans.  I think I might use Victoza in stressful times, long plateaus, and possibly Winter.

I am doing good with my food choices right now. I am making the choice because I want to, not because I have to.  I feel pretty good (other than the foot pain and muscle pain from over working at the gym).

Mentally, I am good.  I am allowing myself a cheat meal a week. I am not binging after the meal. Maybe it is the heat. Hopefully, it is me.

My fear is I have replaced over eating with over shopping. Amazon is killing me. 3 big orders in a week.  Now I must not order from them for a long time!  I have to get my finances in order!

I did try the UFC trainer for my wii.  It didnt work very well. I ordered the same thing for PS3. So we will see how it goes. I need to weed out my games and things. Trade some stuff in.

Here's to another good week!

Gave in...week 1 back on glp1

I gave in and am starting the Victoza again.  Not because of the appetite. My appetite is fine.  But because I am stuck in a plateau. Damnit.

Week 7: Week 3 off of GLP-1

So, I am trying to keep myself awake during UFC 200.  I have never been more bored with a main card...in, well, the 4 months I have been watching UFC.  I dont know what it is about MMA, but it has woken the sleeping giant.  I know I am too old and not going to be able to be on TUF or in a ring, but it makes me want to be fit.  It makes me want to lose the weight and cross off martial arts from my bucket list.  And, maybe even go to Vegas for the 5k for international fight week one year.

Doing well with my weight.  down to 300lbs with shoes on.  Appetite has been controlled.  I have started the protein shakes again.  Workouts have been burning 300+ calories each day this week.  I also did a 12 minute mile on the elliptical and 5 minutes (168 steps) on the stair mill.

I have been focusing on my diet and workouts to deal with the stress.  So far it is working.  I have been reading the Big Fat Truth some more as well.  I am not going to go back on the Victoza.  I need to do this myself.  I need to heal myself.  I need to forgive the Dead Roomie, Colorado Cunt, and Pittsburgh Pratt.  I am working on forgiving myself.  I am working on controlling the PTSD.  So far, I have been doing well.

I notice I have felt much better staying away from Facebook.  I am addicted to Pintrest, so that is giving me a bunch of ideas.  I just wish I could get my muscles to relax so my neck will stop hurting. 

I have filled the hole of eating with spending money.  Again.  I need to stop.  I need to deal with what I have. So I have been trying to get the PS3, Wii, and 360 working again so I can play video games.  Also, I need to try my Steam game console. 

I am so tired...2 fights left.  Hopefully they go quickly...

Week 6: 2nd week off Victoza

Last week was a blur.  My weight has remained stable-ish between 300-302.  I have been (mostly) able to control my diet. 

I did binge on Saturday, but that was due to overconsumption of alcohol.  Exercise has been stable. I am getting stronger.

Today, I was stressed and I did not give in to the temptation of coffee cake. Granted, i did eat more at dinner because I was so hungry.  Not having time to eat sucks.

Hopefully, I can break this plateau soon.  I am reading the Big Fat truth still, and I am debating on not using Victoza.  It is a crutch.  I dont like crutches.  But halfway through this cycle and I am doing much better (even if I am hungry right now).

Keep going forward.

Week 5: week 1 off Victoza, week 1 transformation

First week off of Victoza was not bad.  Appetite has not changed much.  I did hit 304, but I think it was fluid retention.  I also went over on my calories twice.  But again, hormones and beer.

Week was stressful.  My boss keeps making suicidal comments.  I cant deal with it.  I have my own mental issues.  I cannot handle other craziness.  Family issues are...insane as usual.

Work...is work.

Ambulance...same bullshit.

Maybe there is something for stability.

I tried a new program through Body Space.  First day I severely strained my pecs.  I even had bruises.  I tried to work out through it but took thursday and friday off from the gym.  Feels better with stretching.  I will try the program again from the beginning on monday.

I just wish I could sleep.

I did have 2 people tell me this week I look good.  So I need to use it as motivation instead of an excuse to binge.

Day 1 off Victoza

I was supposed to take my last Victoza shot today.  However, I got busy and forgot all about it. I went most of the day before I remembered.

So we will see how this works for 4 weeks off.  I lost 19lbs the first time, gained 12 back.  I lost 12 this time.  Hopefully, I wont gain any back.  It is summer (well, almost) and I am more active.  I just need to stay away from the alcohol and snacking.

I lost 56lbs without help.  I know I can do this.  I have to keep in mind why and how and be smart.

Week 4 and week 1 of gym

Week 4 of Victoza is done.  I have 1 or 2 more shots to finish the pen, then I am done.

This week has been rough.  Injuries to loved ones and a binge on Tuesday.  Actually, I almost had a car accident, but thankfully I was texting at the red light, and heard a weird noise.  So when my light turned green, I wasnt ready and watched some dumbass girl drive through the red light laughing.  It wasnt even a pink light.  It was red and had been!

Yesterday wasnt a binge.  I just didnt eat smart.  I even drank 2 cokes.  But it was OiTNB day!  I didnt go over too much on my calories.

I woke up wanting to binge, but I am going to fight this feeling.  I can continue on my path without the medicine.  I did it before, I can do it again.

Week 1 of the gym done.  Ankle and heel are very sore.  Shoulders are sore.  Basically everything is sore.  I will see how I feel tomorrow before I decide if I do another week of random workouts or if I go back on the transformation program.

Time to read some more. Get some sun and enjoy a break in life.

Binge #2 (6/14/16)

Had all kinds of anger and emotions today.  Hormones must be raging.

Binge binge binge.

Then tried to eat a snickers and now i feel horrible.

Extra cardio tomorrow.

The other secret

I have been thinking of my secrets.  The things I havent told anyone.

Lets see...

I smoked marijuana.  A couple times. Nothing major.  Most of my friends know, but not my family.

I have gone to a gay night club.  Male gay, for a party.  Nothing overly traumatic.

I have driven while drunk.

I used to cut.  Back in the days of the Dead Roomie.  She made me feel so horrible about myself.  Telling me how I was the worst thing to happen to her.  I lost control of my life and I cut my arms.  The feeling of the epidermal layer splitting along the edge of the knife...was orgasmic.  All my anger and pain was relieved for a few days.  As soon as she was out of my life, the knife never met my skin again.  I dont even miss it.

I slept with someone I just met.  Dead Roomie wanted to watch.  I couldnt do it.  Just eww.  Bad enough she was fucking her boyfriend in my bed.  Then, a few weeks later, sleeps with her girlfriend on the floor beside the sofa I was sleeping on. Just ewwwww!! A memory I wish I could forget!

There are probably more secrets.  I just cant think of them right now.

My other secret...

I am relatively calm as an adult.  As a child, I was not.  I am a true INFJ. 

As a child, I had an Irish temper. 

As a 10, or maybe 12 year old, I was so depressed.  I tried to commit suicide.  Tried.  Our basement was not finished. I was so angry and sad and alone.  I stood on a chair.  I tied a rope to the beam.  Tied a noose arund my neck.  Stepped toward the edge of the chair.  My right foot was off of the chair.  All I had to do was jump and the pain would be gone.

It was then that I felt something push me.  I had to step back onto the chair it pushed me so hard.  Then, I felt a wave of calm.  I felt "everything is going to work out".

It was Sam.  I was supposed to have a sister in this life.  Life happens and she didnt make it.  But she has always been with me.

I had seen her as a child.  Little glimpses.  Doorways in walls that were not there.  No, I am not crazy.

Sam has visited me many times.  Hopefully I find her in this life somewhere. 

I have told a few people about this.  They think I am crazy.

I am also embarrased about the letters I used to write to my BFF in middle school.  Writing has always been my thing.  My tool to let the crazy not be so bad. 

But we all do stupid things.  And that is ok.

My story

I dont have an abuse story.  At least not one I remember.

I am from a middle class family in the middle of no where.  From the time I was little, I remember being depressed.  I remember not being good enough.  Remember feeling alone.

Something or someone was missing.

I am an empath.  I now have a word for what I am and an understanding of what that word means.  I feel things.  I sense things.  On a level deeper than most people. 

Maybe that is my secret.  I am a witchy empath that hates being baptized Catholic.  I hate the guilt of being Catholic.  Nothing is ever good enough.  Nothing is right.  Being Catholic doesnt feel right and never did.

I remember going to church with my dad and his mother.  I remember at about age 5 or 6 staring around the inside of that building watching people listen to the crap that was being spouted.  And that is what I thought then, and still do.  It made no sense.  It didnt FEEL right.  It felt fake and like a bunch of lies.

But who could I tell?  Not my dad because that would be a disappointment.  Not my gma because...that would be a disappointment.  My mom understood.  She is the same as me. Or i am the same as her, only my abilities are honed more.

But still...that fear of disappointment remains.

Then my Gma died.  I watched her die of cancer.  She was in a hospital bed in my living room, staring into my room.  At 8 years old I understood pain.  I dont remember her talking much after her cancer diagnosis.  I just remember the pleading in her eyes.  The pleading of her energy.  She was miserable. 

She was in the hospital when she died.  That night, i busted my face against the freezer door.  I had to have an emergency visit at the dentist.  All was well.  I came home, took my shower, came out to look out the sliding glass door (which was my OCD pattern every night).  Mom was on the phone.  I knew then.  She told me gma died.  Gma was the first person I remember dying.

I remember the drive up Braddock Road to the hospital.  I remember not wanting to see Gma's dead body.  I waiting in the kitchenette area (in hopes of cookies and sodas).

Dad's sister came down and sat with me.  She looked me in the eye and asked, "Do you know why grandma died?".  I told her no, because at the time I didnt.  I had no idea what cancer was.  I just knew she hurt. 

Dad's sister (because I refuse to give her the title of aunt) looked at me and said, "because you didnt pray for her to get better".

I was floored.  Flabergasted.  My first thought was "how did she know?".  Did God tell her?  Am I that bad of person.  I didnt pray for her to get better.  I prayed and asked for her to be at peace and out of pain.

So, me being me, I decided I wasnt allowed to mourn my grandmother.  I was not going to cry.  I was not going to be upset.  Eventually, I did walk down the hallway and see her dead, lifeless body.

We went to gmas trailer.  It was weird being there.  My cousin was crying.  I started to cry as we came out of our favorite spot behind the trailer, between the tree and propane tank.  Then, I remembered, it was my fault.  Gma was gone because of me.  So I quit crying.

Then came the mandatory dress up.  I had no choice in what to wear.  The viewing was boring.  But I loved the old coke machine and the Werther's Originals.

The burial is in my head too.  My dearest Aunt (the only true aunt) was driving, i was shotgun.  Mom and Dad where in the back.  Dad was crying.  I remember watching them as we pulled into the cemetary.  I remember thinking, why is he so sad?  She is at peace now.  There is nothing to be sad about.  Keep in mind, I was 9.  I dont remember anything else of the burial.

I openly talk about this event.  I have no problem talking about it.  Except with dad's sister.  Part of me wants to talk to her.  So she know how much she hurt me.  How much that one statement affected me.  But, I dont want to give her that power. 

I have only recently started going to gma's grave.  It used to be I would wait in the car.  Still, all of these years later, I feel guilty. 

I HAVE NO GUILT!!  She is at peace.  The living should not carry this guilt.

I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR THINKING I HURT MY GRANDMOTHER.

I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR LETTING DAD'S SISTER WIN AND CONVINCE ME I HURT MY GRANDMOTHER

I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR NOT MOURNING MY GRANDMOTHER PROPERLY

I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR NOT BEING CATHOLIC

I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR BEING ME.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME BEING ME.

My 4 Excuses

I am reading "The Big Fat Truth" by JD Roth.  He has been the producer and inspirer on several of the weight loss shows.  I don't normally buy books or items related to these shows because the shows give a false sense of weight loss in my opinion.  But, this book jumped at me.  I figured what the hell. 

So far I like the book.  It focuses on the mental and emotional part of weight loss.  Or, in other words, why the hell I got into this mess in the first place.

First exercise:  4 reasons I am fat.  So here I go...

1. Family influence.  Half my family is morbidly obese.  Everything centered around food.  For some reason I always felt like I had to eat fast and as much as possible because there might not be any more food.  I asked my mom about it and she doesn't remember ever giving me that idea.  Maybe I picked up on it as an empath since times were tough when I was young.  Food was everywhere.  Both grandmother's fed me all the time.  Ice cream, spaghetti, Salisbury steak, chicken nuggets, chicken noodle soup.  My favorite Gma was 425lbs!

2. Bad eating habits.  Eat when happy and sad.  Hide all the feelings.  Don't deal with the emotions.

3 & 4.  Lack of love and respect for myself.  I never learned to be OK with me.  I was never good enough.  Nothing I did wa ever good enough.  I am not good enough.  No one wants me around and when they do I wonder why.  Why have the fat girl around?  Oh!  I know!  So you feel better about yourself.  Has nothing to do with how awesome i am.  I don't love me.  I never have.

All 4 things are officially excuses.  Time to move forward.

Week 3: Stability

This week has been a week of stability.  My weight has not changed much. Still 299-300lbs.  Another week without going to the gym.

Not sure if I consider yesterday a binge, but I drank a 10" margarita and overate at the Mexican restaurant.  But, I did not eat again the rest of the day.

Yesterday, and the day before, I was in such a bad mood.  I could have punched a few people.  I am not sure if it is my hormones, my thyroid, or what.  I have a lot of anger right now. 

I have ate more this week than I have in the last 2 weeks. Other than the binge, I have not gone over on my calories.

Hopefully, next week will be better.  It should be.

Goals for the week:
1. Go back to the gym
2. Cut back on calories
3. Last week of Saxenda
4. Keep focused
5. Calm da hell down

Week end #2

I hit my goal of under 300.  I am so excited. Then the weight loss crawled.  So, this weekend, I increased my calories to hopefully revv up my metabolism.  Or, it slowed and I gained weight back.

Much alcohol was consumed.  I did not plan on that.  But I went out, in uncomfortable situations, and held firm.  So thats a start.  and have been asked to go hang with people today, but do not feel like it.  Im so done with people.  I need to recharge after Saturday.

My fear came true.  People see me as being gay.  If I was gay, that would be fine.  But I want a man to look at me. I have a long way to go I guess.  I have to get this shell off of me. Get over my educated fears of social anxiety.

I love being an INFJ but it is a curse as well.  Only so much social interaction.   And I am emotionally exhausted.  I feel a trigger coming.  I am on an edge.  I am trying to bring myself back from the edge, but also being an empath does not help this.

I also stressed myself out by getting my nails done.  So a stressful weekend.  But good stress.  Healing stress. Finding me stress.

So my stresses this weekend:
Manicure (store full of women) (Friday)
Unexpected invite to hang out (Saturday)
Hang out (Saturday)
No plan (Saturday)
Visit new places (Saturday)
Alcohol...more than normal (Saturday)
Asked again to hang out (Sunday)
Pissed off family (Saturday/Sunday)
Lack of sleep (days now)
Worry about a friend (days)

Wow. No wonder I need a recharge.

Current book:  "It's Time" by Bruce Buffer

Goal 1 (finally) Accomplished

June is a weird month for me.  The Dead Roomie was a Gemini.  Memories of my Southern days seem to all be from June. So, when I stepped on the scale today, June became my favorite month.

Today I made my first goal of 299.9lbs.  I weighed in at 299.5.  Half a pound gone since yesterday.  13.5 pounds since starting Saxenda.  But, I am wondering if it is all Saxenda.  I feel more determined this time.  More able to control myself.  Maybe it is watching my friend do a cleanse fast. Who knows.  I just hope this does not pass.

I am taking a second week from the gym.  My body needs the break. My ankle and knee need it too.  Hopefully tomorrow I can make it to the bone cracker for an alignment.

Next goal is 290!

Week 1 on GLP-1

I restarted my Victoza/Saxenda adventure this week. Gotta love being a guinea pig for the doctor.  Actually, I think I am the only one in the practice (patient or employee) on this medication.

I wanted to lose weight on my own.  But, my binges have become uncontrolled.  I hate that I am taking this shot, no matter how well it works.

A friend told me this is like taking pain meds for a headache. It isn't cheating. It is helping.

My hope is this becomes a habit. Not the shot taking but the eating part.  I keep thinking, this must be what it is like for a normal human. Not wondering about the next course of food.  Just eating a little when kind of hungry and moving on.

The first time I started the Victoza/Saxenda at 3.0mg, I was nauseated for a few days.  I did lose 14lbs. Then, it felt like it stopped working after about 2 weeks.  There were days I was barely eating 1200 calories.  I used a longer needle for the pen one time toward the end of this stint.  My sugars were staying low. It kind of scared me.

This time, I will make it through 3 weeks. 21 days for a habit to begin. This time I have had more issues keeping my blood sugar up.  I have had some low blood sugars, but nothing a little peanut butter cant fix.

I know I am partially a hypocrite for hating on gastric bypass surgery but doing this shot.  I know I have an eating disorder.  I know I have an emotional eating issue.  I am a binge eater.  When I am "up", I have control.  I need help when I am "down".  When the demons are breaking the lock on the box.

So we shall see.  I do know I like the Victoza pen better than the Saxenda pen.  But thats just preference. 

I have lost about 10lbs so far this week.  Mostly fluid (gotta love hormones).

Week 1 Chapter 1

This virtual paradise has been up for 1 week now.  I have surprised myself at how much of an improvement I have seen mentally.  That could be thanks to hormones, but part of it has to be me.  Is me.

I think I was 314lbs last week when I started this blog.  At best, I was 312lbs.  Now, I sit at 302.5lbs.  Granted, that is mostly fluid.  But it is still gone.  I don't feel as bloated and wanting to eat everything.  2.5lbs from my first goal.  Now, a holiday weekend approaches.  I will do my best to not overdo it this weekend and ruin it.  This is the first time I feel like I can really get to under 300lbs.

I have been watching My 600lb Life again.  It pisses me off that these people get this gastric bypass surgery.  To be suckered into believing it is the cure all.  It is not.  There are emotional issues that need addressed.  Chemical issues to be investigated.  And what about later, years down the road?  Years after surgery when the dumping syndrome starts?  When they are diabetic because they can't absorb right?  When their blood sugars are up, down, and all around and there is no cure except a pill that is so expensive no insurance will cover and no one can afford out of pocket?  No thank you.  I will take the binges and the anger and do it on my own.  I did this to myself, I will fix myself.

I need to keep my drive alive.  Losing weight is the only way I will be able to move on with my life.  I hear my friends comment about how fat another girl looks.  Immediately, I wonder what they really see when they see me.  Are they my friend because of the ugly duckling syndrome?  Or are females really that mean to one another and I am just seeing it?

I will stay positive this time.  I know my demons are stirring.  I can feel them.  I have noticed I keep asking people if they missed me.  I don't know why.  Probably because I am still hurt about the treatment of Pittsburgh Pratt and the way that ended.  Also, the anniversary for Colorado Cunt's first crack through my heart is coming up.  And I know I will be losing another friend soon.

Life's stresses don't help either.  Food has always been my comfort.  When no one was around, food was there.  Even now, with all this technology to make the world smaller, I sometimes feel so alone.  Other times I cannot hide in darkness or plain sight.

Anyway, my goals for the next week are:
1. Watch my diet over the holiday weekend
2. Try to get under 300
3. Work on my emotions
4. Research jobs in SC
5. Drink plenty of non-alcoholic fluids.

A Day to Take Over (May 20, 2016)

Today is the day.  I am starting over (again).  It is time to take control of my life and figure out where this ride is taking me.

I started out at 340lbs in 2013.  By September of 2014, I was down to 284lbs.  Without exercise.  Just diet and MyFitnessPal.  And a hell of a lot of determination!

Then, my world fell apart.  I gave up. I quit. I binged and binged and binged.

By May of 2015, I was back up to 328lbs.

I tried to diet again.  Down to 318lbs.  August rolled around and I finally felt a push to as someone about working out.  I was scared.  As an EMT, I watched a 500+lbs man die as he tried to change his life.  But it was too late.  I thought I was in the same predicament.  That first workout was 40 minutes walking on the treadmill.  God I HATE treadmills.  But I did it.  The next day I got to do my favourite thing ever...lift weights.  I love the power in lifting more than I think I can.  I love showing up the men at the gym.  6 days a week for I can't remember how long.  Down to 310lbs.

Life happened again. I gave up on the diet, but not the gym.  Up and down and all around on the scale.

At my lowest in 2016, I was 303.  It's as if I hit a wall between 303-305.  I am so close, yet on the other side of the moon from my first goal of 299.  It's a mental thing, I know.  I convince myself if I binge, it will come right back off.  Which, that weight does.  Then the pattern repeats.  The pattern is full Ghostrider.  I'm tired of it.  As I sit here after eating McDonald's for breakfast, Papa John's for lunch, and mints all day in between.  Probably having unhealthy for dinner as well.

I am at work.  I am exhausted.  It is Friday and I just want to sleep for a week.  Hormones do not help either.  I am waiting on the doctor I work for to see 3 more patients so I can go home.  Well, not home, but to my other home, the rescue squad.  Hopefully, by sometime tonight, I will be able to crawl into bed.  And no, I have no work to do right now.

I used to have a blog and felt  more in control of my life.  That blog existed in the craziest time of my life (so far).  I love writing.  I love getting the thoughts out.  My typing is so much better than my handwriting, and maybe by sharing my story and my journey, I will help someone.  But, for a change, I have to put myself first.

My goal is to have a place to vent.  A place to make my own, like my own apartment on the internet.  Decorate with my stuff and my thoughts.  I want to also (maybe) try to write my own stories again.  Get that Muse in love with me again.  Share cat videos.  Who know what else may happen here.

But today is the day.  This is when I start over again.